Internal Downfall

The line between the distorted version in my head and what is the true reality got extremely blurred at the end of March 2020. From what I thought was simply a two week break from school turned into what could be defined as monumental moments in life being a wish, a hope. Graduation is an event that I have always known would come one day it was just a matter of time. Walking across the stage validates everything, all of the tests, all of the homework, and all of the long sleepless nights to cross that finish line. Just like that, that finish line was gone, not entirely, but in the way that I had always imagined it. That is when I began to wonder what other moments were going to be different, it was unknown territory. 

            In all honesty, in the midst of my minor hiatus from school in March I was entirely oblivious to what was really occurring in the world. I had heard about the small number of COVID-19 cases in the United States, but it was one of those things where you don’t ever think it will affect you. I was convinced the virus would never hit my state let alone my small hometown of Annapolis, Maryland. I believe I had that assumption because you think will never happen to you, that it cannot happen to you…until it does. Sure enough, my small vacation from my senior year turned into the end of my high school experience. In the blink of an eye I was stuck in my house with my family unable to leave or see any of my friends for about a month and a half. I did not know what to make of the situation. I couldn’t even begin to think of what was to come and was to be cancelled or unable to happen because of the virus. It was unknown, no one had a right or wrong answer as to what was about to be made of our world and what would be the ‘new normal’. 

            Prom and graduation took a swift kick as they both were not plausible events that could occur during this time due to capacity levels. Losing prom was a hard pill to swallow; as a little girl you grow up awaiting the moment to wear this beautiful dress with hair and makeup done to the nines. My prom dress that I had picked out with my dad, so beautiful and so one of a kind, would hang in my closet. It would catch my eye every once in a while, with a harsh reminder that it would never be worn. That being said, the cancellation of graduation definitely took a toll on me. I could not fathom the fact that I have put in thirteen years of school all for the one day to cross the stage in my cap and gown as a confirmation that I had done it, I graduated. I never wanted to see my prom dress or my cap and gown again to be frank. They had no other purpose to their existence other than those events so in this moment they merely existed as a loss. 

As any normal teenager would, I moped around my house about all these inconveniences that seemed to just get worse as time went on. My dad and I would have a minimum of 4 fights a week regarding my attitude towards the pandemic. I would get lectured about my view on the problem and how selfish and apathetic I was being. He never missed a chance to tell me that there were college students also losing a graduation, athletes who have been training for four years for the 2020 Olympics in Tokyo who cannot compete, and how our two small family businesses were suffering. I was fully aware of how others were being affected and I whole heartedly felt for them, but I was losing milestones in life that I could never get back. Sure, maybe my problems were not to the extent of those, but it definitely was heartbreaking to be losing time with friends that I may never see again once we leave for college and events in high school that stick with a teenager forever. Put simply, I felt robbed and wanted to feel like my aggravation was validated. I tried so hard to get my dad to see from my point of view even if for just a couple minutes to help me get through it and feel supported. All I got in return from him was “you just don’t get it”, in one ear and out the other it all went because all I could feel was hopeless and frustrated and to make matters worse, not knowing what else I was looking to lose. 

            The greatest and most confusing loss was of myself. There seemed to be a parallel between time slipping away and my identity slipping away alongside it. I’d like to think my true nature and being has been purely developed by myself and my choice but that is simply not true. The same goes for everyone else and that is something that I had never realized until this pandemic had forced me to reflect. As human beings it is crucial that we have a social environment to continuously add to ourselves. I believe it’s a comforting thought to view this time of isolation as an all-around opportunity to better ourselves and focus on nothing else. However, we can only turn a blind eye to the truth for so long until it rears an ugly head. Isolation cuts us off from the world and disconnects us from any outlet available. While this may seem beneficial, in the grand scheme of things, when we are not around others we begin to lose ourselves. There is no other ounce of inspiration to spark progression and development, we go stale day by day.

             COVID-19 had completely gassed me and ran me into the ground in every meaning of the statement. I had a burning desire to be active and be creative and honestly just try to act like everything is still normal. I have never heard of the word impotent till recently, but it could be the title of my quarantine story. I felt helpless in isolation from the second I woke up to the second I closed my eyes. I closed the blinds in my room so that my walls never saw the light of day. I was too afraid to look out of my bedroom window to see the world that once had so much possibility and be reminded that it no longer does. Once I shut out the world I was left with nothing but what was in my head. I began to start fighting an internal battle. My insecurities mixing with my craving of others were manifesting in a toxic way. I would look in the mirror for brief periods of time and felt out of body, zero recollection of who I was. In the beginning of isolation, the line between solitude and loneliness was blurred but is now so distinct because I now know how desperate every human is for social interaction. We are products of our environments and influences and have been since the day each of us was put on this earth. A blank canvas that is open to any color of paint being thrown at us. We are a work of art that is changing every single day and it is because of our interactions with those around us which could never be done solely by ourselves. 

            I know my identity and its basic components. However, all the little pieces, new pieces, old pieces, and genuine pieces go missing without the presence of others. What is also important to note is that every human has some bad parts or parts that they are insecure about. When we are surrounded by others or going out on the town with our friends, it is easy to put up a front and hide the bad components of ourselves that we don’t like. We can be the person we want to be seen as. However, that is just not possible when we are forced to face ourselves in isolation and truly see who we are. Which honestly this could be a positive situation so one can become one with themselves and full transparency and some may be able to come to terms and acceptance with their flaws and faults. Unfortunately, some cannot especially not in this environment. Loneliness is even a common fear for a lot of people because we thrive off of love from others to suffice for our lack thereof. Loneliness has a way of clouding our brains and discombobulating all that we had formed from our life pre-COVID. I have found that it is truly vital that we have others to be our soundboards in order to gauge who want to be in this world. Without that ability it becomes so easy and leaves people vulnerable to losing themselves with chance of no return. That is horrifying to know that I had the potential to be a different human without consciously being aware of it. That is not to say that isolation was entirely corrupting because for me I found a lot of clarity in the midst of my struggles so to say I achieved more so solitude that was a coping mechanism for loneliness, but for some people they got lost in their struggles. 

            Two months into lockdown I finally had the opportunity to see my friends for the first time since school ended. With restrictions and safety in mind, my friends and I would all meet in our school parking lot and sit on our hoods six feet apart. We ended up meeting up every night, hours of conversation that time was inevitably lost. None of us cared about what we were missing out on, we genuinely just appreciated each other’s presence that we had missed for months. It was at this time that I would look around the circle of my friends, smiles, sitting on their cars that this is all I needed. I am beyond lucky to have my friends and that they are safe. I didn’t need a magneficient prom or formal graduation to ensure I had a great high school experience. My friends were my validation. Our effort to see each other and to use each other as stability, that was enough for me. High school has a lot of bonuses and additives but from my experience, the friends that you walk away from high school with is what really matters. There would be other dances and ceremonies in my lifetime but the friends that I gained I would have never met if it weren’t for school and I had them, with or without the pandemic. 

A following epiphany was my family. My eyes had been opened by my friends which allowed me to see that I was not ‘locked’ in my house with my family. I was given valuable time with my family that not everyone gets. I learned so much and grew so close to my stepmom and my step sister in quarantine. Most importantly, I really felt grateful for the time with my dad. Sometimes in teenage years the teenager tends to drift from their parents being caught up in the lifestyle and the youth. This time made me realize that to him I am still the little girl I always was, the same one he has given everything up for. Simply watching a movie or eating dinner with him would suffice. During high school I would go out at any given chance I had, and I would eat dinner in my room to watch my own TV shows. I had no concept of the fact that I was neglecting my family slowly but surely growing apart from them. In hindsight, that was self-inflicted ignorance because it should not have taken a virus outbreak for me to recognize how valuable the time I take with my loved ones is. Pure laughter and nostalgic conversation make me feel whole in ways that shopping at the mall or school events never did.  At this point, was the unknown really that bad?

            I do not recall much of my “past life” before the month of March, it almost feels as a fever dream. A time without masks and the constant six feet distance from every human around me. However, I vividly remember my never-ending inclination to take naps and watch TV in bed whenever I got the chance. In all honesty I would even tell a small white lie to my friends of my unbearable stomach ache that just would not allow me to leave the house some nights, but really that stomach ache was hours on hours of Gossip Girl binge watching. I can still faintly hear my dad yelling up to my room, “Sixx it is time to get up it is dinner!” Just like that I had slept the day away. I was in my bed for such a great portion of the day that I ended up creating a dent in the shape of my body in my bed. Every other week I would have to flip my mattress to flatten it out to its original form. Time was slipping through my fingers along with my reoccurring failure to remember what day of the week it was. Every day was repeating itself. 

Flash forward post COVID, I try to stay awake from 8 am to 1 to the best of my capabilities because I have an internal fear that I am missing out on life if I am asleep. Let alone take voluntary naps in the middle of the day when I could be out making new friends, discovering new places, or even reading a new book in the park. My friends harp on me for being an undependable responder because I take at least an hour or two to respond to texts. Admittedly that is not a great trait to have acquired but ever since I have spent countless hours on my phone in quarantine with it being my only source to real life, I despise it now. My phone can no longer provide anything to me that is as valuable as a one on one conversation with another person, any person. This time of limitation and confinement has really opened my eyes to what I was taking for granted. I see nature and my environment with fresh eyes and a passion for their existence inexorably. I have never seen the oceans textures or the trees colors and structures the way I do today. I buy a bouquet of flowers any time I see a stand because the vibrancy and fragile posture of the plants are so fond to look at. None of these delicacies mattered to me until I could not see them as often. The transition from looking at my walls all day and night to then going outdoors is a drastic change. We grow accustom to what we have and see in our everyday lives but the second it becomes not as prevalent, great longing and appreciation for it all follows. 

           The statement, if not now then when, captivated my thought process every day. I have one life and one only and you never know when time will be taken away from you abruptly, Covid for example, and you regret the time you had wasted. If anything is to be taken away from this pandemic it is to live in the now with a fire lit inside at all times to have a better tomorrow and eye always open to what you have around you big and small. 

            Beyond my personal realizations, I took the time to look into COVID-19 and the effects it was having on the world. I read countless articles and watched several news segments on how tragic this pandemic really is. I am one of the lucky ones. Not only am I healthy but so are my friends and all of my family. Some people lost their loved ones forever and I am dwelling on losing five seconds of crossing a stage and grabbing a piece of paper that truly does not matter. My problems did not hold a candle to those who were and still are struggling from this life altering event. I found my role to be one of assisting others through the unknown. Through the ‘what ifs’. The lectures my dad had expressed to me finally became clear. It was okay to be upset and understandable to be frustrated at the world, but it was vital to recognize all the good I still had. This was a real-life scenario of needing to see the glass half full rather than half empty. On an even brighter note, I am living and surviving through a pandemic. I am a part of the generation who can make change and grow from this. This is a time in history I am living through that will be in the history books of my kids and their kids and hopefully their kids. This time is a time where I make a choice. I choose to look back at this pandemic one day and remember how I prevailed, how I helped, and how I stayed strong yet sympathetic and conscious of all of my surroundings. I traveled through the unknown, I graduated from the unknown.

The faint line that I witnessed between what was in my head and what was reality was really the line between what I know and the unknown. My natural instinct like anyone else’s was to fear what I do not know. It is daunting to not know what is going to come next in the midst of a global pandemic and if it is going to take away everything in existence, my existence. Even worse, I am not the only one who doesn’t know the outcome, not even the highest in power does. So, what do I do? How do I react? Before COVID-19 struck I was complacent and relied heavily on reassurance and was comfortable because I was in the know but now I can firmly say I embrace the unknown. I have found that maybe everyone needs a little unknown in their life. Ironically, things came more into focus for me when I knew the least. The things in life that I believed mattered the most were really just minor exciting milestones that were a bonus to life. However, the real gifts in life are those who are living it with you. My friends bring my light and laughter, they build my personality and provide a cushion of comfort that can be received from nowhere else. My family makes my heart beat every minute of every day supplying unconditional love without hesitation. Time to myself has given me necessary reflection of my being in this world and in this life. I have come to find new hobbies that I enjoy, new music that takes me to new places, talked to people who I never took the time to appreciate when I had the chance, and have developed new goals that I have never pondered until now. 

Don’t get me wrong, COVID-19 has been a very hard time and is truly a hardship to overcome. There is a constant battle that each of us is fighting to not fall in the ibis of loneliness. It has wiped out too many, damaged too many, and hurt too many. That being said, those that are like me who are considerably lucky need to look at this pandemic as an opportunity. An opportunity to be brave and venture to where we are not comfortable, to where we do not know what the next day holds. Positivity and hope will lead to a place where we were all meant to be at some point one way or another. Not only as a country but as a world we are all fighting against this one enemy, standing together, to get through it. There is something incredible about that unification, at least I think so. Am I sad about what I have missed out on in this event? Yes, I am human. But would I take it all back if I had the chance? No. I learned so much and realized the value of my life. I faced the unknown and came out a better version of myself that possibly would have never been discovered. In this personal growth it has become apparent to me that it is the little things that have the greatest effect on us as humans. The huge and obvious things in life are purely just expected. The unexpected is necessary.